Introduction
Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it. This is why Christ the Redeemer "fully reveals Man to himself."
Pope John Paul II[1]
Growing up in the Catholic Church in the 1970s and 80s, I had plenty of questions about, and objections to, the Church's teachings sexuality. When my hormones kicked in, just about everything I'd been taught about "staying pure" went out the window. Over the next several years, though, my sexual behavior would take its toll on me.
As a freshman in college, I found myself deeply and painfully confused about my own identity as a man. I couldn't deny the fact that I'd brought much of this pain and confusion upon myself through my sexual attitudes and behaviors. The rampant promiscuity of college dorm life served to magnify the meaninglessness of it all.
The stories of "sexual conquest" that we all shared (and no doubt exaggerated) as freshman guys made me think more and more about the ugliness of which men are capable. For every "conquest" there was a woman on the other end used and discarded. But no one seemed to care.
It all came to a head for me the night I witnessed a date rape in one of the dorms. (This was a Catholic college, by the way.) The experience haunted me: How could a man treat a woman as nothing but a "thing" for his sexual kicks? But the more I asked myself this question in reference to what I'd witnessed, the more I knew I had to direct that same question toward myself.
I've never raped anybody, I thought. But am I much different from that guy the way I've treated women in my own thoughts and attitudes? Don't I also my girlfriend for my sexual kicks? When I was finally honest with myself I had to conclude that I wasn't much better than the rapist.
In this time of deep soul searching, I became angry with God. "You gave men these hormones!" I insisted. "They seem to be getting me and everybody else I know in a heck of a lot of trouble. What am I supposed to do with them? I want to know the truth! What's this sex thing al about? What does it mean to be a man?"
That prayer set me on a quest to discover the truth about sex. Christ said, "Seek, and you will find" (Mt 7:7). So I sought.
To make a long story short, what I ultimately found were the writing of Pope John Paul II. Here is a man who has rethought and re-presented the teachings of the Church on sex and marriage with profound insight and great originality. His work sets the stage for a new "sexual revolution that promises to deliver what its precursor couldn't: the true satisfaction of the desire that drives us all-to love and be loved.
In fact, John Paul's contributions to the Church's teachings on sex and marriage are so vast that over two thirds of what the Catholic Church has ever said on these subjects has come from his pontificate. Yet his work is virtually unknown to the average Catholic. When his insights are give the recognition they deserve, our world will see the restoration of marriage and the family and the building of a true culture of life. This, believe, will be the new springtime of which he so often speaks.
In the space of a few months I devoured the Holy Father's Theology of the Body,[2] his Apostolic Exhortation On the Christian Family in the Modern World (Familiaris Consortio),[3] and his book Love and Responsibility.[4] What I read dissected my heart. Somehow, this celibate old pontiff was able to put his finger on the deepest stirrings of my bein, and help me make sense out of them.
He was able to explain the whys behind the whats of Catholic teaching in a way that showed the profound beauty of God's reason for creating us male and female in the first place. He radically altered the way I saw myself as a man, the way I looked upon women, the way I understood the Church and God. In short, he changed my view of, well, everything. I knew then that I would spend the rest of my life studying this Pope's thought and sharing it with others.
Now, as a full-time educator focusing on Church teaching about sex and marriage, I speak to a variety of audiences about these issues on a regular basis. Everywhere I go, people ask sincere, pointed questions about the Church's teaching. They raise issues and objections that weigh heavily on their hearts and intimately affect their own lives and the lives of those they love. Such questions and objections deserve sincere, direct, and thorough responses - responses that address this most intimate area of human life head-on in a way that helps people make sense of seemingly, "arbitrary" or "antiquated" Church teachings.
Inevitably, as I draw from my own experience and what I've learned from John Paul II explain the Church's teaching, people respond: "I went to Catholic school my whole life and never heard this. Why not?" Others respond in tears: "If I had only known this earlier in my life, perhaps I would have been spared the pain of so many mistakes."
This book was born out of these exchanges. It's a book that people like yourself have helped me to write. I've gathered together questions, and objections from single adults, engaged couples, newly married couples who have been married ten, twenty, even forty or more years: from Catholics, Protestants, and unbelievers; from those who are happily and unhappily married, and from those who have suffered the pain of divorce. I present them all here and address them one by one.
Following John Paul's lead, chapter one lays the biblical foundations for God’s plan for sex and marriage. Subsequent chapters are divided topically and presented in a question-and-answer format. The aim is to be as comprehensive as possible in terms of what people want to know. Even if you have a question that isn't directly addressed, you can gain the tools necessary to arrive at an educated Catholic response.
Some readers might want to look up answers to specific questions for quick reference. That's fine, but keep in mind that each chapter builds on the previous one. To get the full picture, you should proceed chapter by chapter. I'd also strongly recommend taking the time to read the endnotes. Besides references, they often contain helpful information, including additional resources and how to order them.
It’s my heartfelt prayer that, whatever your state and stage in life, this book will help you in your quest to know, understand, live, and experience the beautiful truth about human love. For that's where we find the image of the divine, a foretaste of heaven - the consummate satisfaction of all our most intimate longings.
Christopher West
[1] Redemptor Hominis, n. 10.
[2] The Theology of the Body is the collective title given to the 129 homilies John Paul II delivered in his Wednesday General Audiences between September 5, 1979, and November 28, 1984. In them, through a searching analysis of biblical texts that speak of the body, sex, marriage, and the celibate vocation, John Paul presents a depth of understanding of the human person and the meaning of our call to "nuptial love" never before articulated. Many of these insights are set forth in chapter one of this book. Subsequent chapters also draw heavily from this work. Hereafter, we will refer to it simply as Body, followed by the date of the General Audience cited.
The entire catechesis was originally published by the Daughters of St. Paul in four volumes now Out of print (Original Unity of Man and Woman, Blessed Are the Pure of Heart, The Theology of Marriage and Celibacy, and reflections on Humanae Vitae). Quotes used in this book are taken from this translation. A slightly different translation of the theology of the body has more recently been published in one volume, also by the Daughters of St. Paul. To order it, see the Resource section at the back of this book, which includes that ministry's phone number. Also listed there is information on a tape series entitled "Naked Without Shame," which seeks to make the revolutionary insights of John Paul's Theology of the Body accessible to a larger audience.
[3] This work was written in 1981 following the 1980 Synod of Bishops cm t the family It's an excellent and comprehensive presentation of Catholic teaching on sex, marriage, and family life. Hereafter, in the notes we will refer to it as Familiaris.
[4] Karol Wojtyla (John Paul II), Love and Responsibility (San Francisco: Ignatius, 1993), 43 (hereafter referred to as Love). This work was first published ill Poland in 1960, eighteen years before Karol Wojtyla was to become Pope John Paul II. Based on years of dialogue and pastoral work with young men and women, as well as engaged and married couples, the book examines ordinary human experience to demonstrate that Catholic moral teaching on sex and marriage corresponds perfectly with the dignity of the human person.
A “personalist" philosophy, as John Paul's position has been called, recognizes that persons are subject toward whom the only proper attitude is love. A person must never he made merely an object of use. He argues that failure to accept the demands of the Catholic sexual ethic inevitably turns people into objects to be used.